Unfurling

Sometimes I am the guinea pig. I get an idea and I just can’t help myself, wondering at the possibilities. And so I test out my theory on myself.

It happened recently. While most areas of my life are better than I could ever have dreamed post cancer, there are a couple that took a beating. At first I just put it down to the side-effects I had yet to work out how to avoid. But then one day it dawned on me… I was probably still in protection.

Because that’s what we need to do to get through, isn’t it. Shut down those parts of ourselves that scream at what we must face, what we must do to survive. The cutting, the poisoning, the burning and as I like to put it, the neutering. There’s no way to glam it up really is there? After all, no one in their right mind would submit to this. But when you’re faced with the other unthinkable option, there really is no choice.

But what do we have to do inside ourselves in order to submit to these experiences?

I think we shut down.

I think that’s what we do to survive.

On the other side of (most) treatment now, I suddenly realised it was time to open up again. Time to come out of protection. Time to breathe freely again. And while I focused until now on healing the emotional issues that preceded my diagnosis, it dawned on me the emotion we bury deep inside in order to survive the treatments must also be released.

And so I did. Quietly just allowing my mind, my body to realise it was safe to come out again.

And the beautiful thing is what I thought were side-effects I couldn’t overcome have now seemingly disappeared…

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